Reflection

Discomfort in Perpetuity/ Incomodidad en Perpetuidad

Today is my tenth post (yay!), thank you so much for sticking with me through these past few months. You have meant more to me than you can know.

I wanted to use this momentous occasion to do a little self-reflection.

The picture of me above is from the time that I got to climb a mountain (for the first time ever) in South Korea with my husband and a few family members.

You can find the post that I wrote about my trip here!

Let me tell you, it was HARD. There were moments that I knew if I did not pay close attention, I could very well slip and fall very, very far.

I was SCARED and uncomfortable.

But it was also the first time that I felt like I was living a life that I was 100% certain I was choosing for myself.

Better yet, it was a life that I knew I was going to be proud of years down the line.

And I want to be proud of the choices that I have made when I have no more choices to make.

That being said –

The past few weeks have been contentious ones for those of us in the United States.

Issues that seem like they shouldn’t be controversial have recently been cause for many to hit unfollow buttons, instigate fights on social media and even dig heels into the ground more and more as organization after organization have come out in support of the Black Lives Matter movement.

People of color are struggling, and have quite honestly been struggling for so, so long, with the idea that their choices do not always carry much weight in this country.

With the heightened focus in the White community on educating ourselves and digging into our hearts and minds in an effort to really understand the extent of our own biases (everyone has them), I have been thinking.

I have been considering what I have learned since coming to college – especially the growth that has come from being surrounded by so many different people and opinions.

While I sometimes feel like I’m really getting this whole “life” thing under control, there always come moments of discomfort when I realize that the experiences of billions of people have not suddenly materialized in my brain after two years of college. A silly thought, right?

The thing is, I get so overwhelmed with trying to be perfect all the time that I can miss opportunities for growth.

I have found this to be counterproductive…

I love approval, I love to be patted on the back and, above all, I just want to be seen as good, kind and deeply trusted as a steward of those two things in everything of which I am a part. To be honest, it’s one of my biggest flaws

So, naturally, when I realize that I have been wrong, or that I didn’t know something that I probably should, it is really easy for me to not want to go down that path at all.

But, we cannot think like this.

This is exactly what I have needed to fight from the second I got to college – which, by the way, has a tendency of highlighting the parts of life that you struggle with the most, just FYI.

These past two weeks I have thought, I have cried, I have read and watched, I have prayed and I have thought some more. I have come to the conclusion that I have never done enough, or spoken up when I thought something was wrong.

I’ve been ashamed.

My legalistic, perfectionistic, cookie-cutter way of looking at the world had to end, and now I live in a space where I must constantly battle with the part of myself that would rather have order than a misplaced dish in the sink.

I would rather not offend someone than risk their opinion of me.

And I would rather be seen as perfect than rock the boat in any way.

But I have also learned that worth isn’t based on inherent goodness. Or my accomplishments which I still try to rack up in spite of myself. Or on the amount that I can give.

I have learned that it is okay to not get it right the first time. To be wrong. To stand for something, whereas before I was scared.

We need to be willing to be uncomfortable to ensure that everyone is treated equally in the land of the free.

Now is the time for the real work.

Really, the only thing that I know for sure is that I am going to be uncomfortable for the rest of my life.

I am going to struggle against the part of me that wants to be a passive participant in the world around me, and I will listen to the part of me that wants to lead and be heard – the part of myself that I am most proud of.

Learning, challenging yourself and improving yourself isn’t comfortable: it is not easy and it requires a thick skin that is okay with being corrected.

Once. Twice. Thousands of times over.

I may not know a lot, but I know who I want to be.

And I know that I am heading in the right direction every time I feel just a little bit scared of the good changes that I am making.


What can we be doing to support the people of color at this time, such a momentous time in our history?

I would love to chat with you in the comments below or on my social media! Building community is one of my favorite parts of my experience writing this blog, and I want to get to know YOU!

As always, thank you for reading.

With love,

Tori ūüôā


Incomodidad en Perpetuidad

Hoy es mi d√©cima entrada, ¬°gracias por leer durante estos meses! Me importas m√°s que puedas saber. 

¡Quiero usar este momento para hacer una autorreflexión!

La foto arriba es de mi viaje al Corea del Sur cuando mi esposo, nuestra familia y yo escalamos una monta√Īa. 

¬°Puedes buscar mi entrada sobre el viaje aqu√≠!

Puedo decirte que era dificil√≠simo. Hab√≠a momentos en que yo sab√≠a que sin enfocarme tanta, yo pudiera caerme lejos. 

¡Yo tenía miedo y era incomoda!

Pero tambi√©n en esta monta√Īa experiment√© la primera vez en que yo sent√≠a como era viviendo la vida en que yo estaba segura 100%.¬†

Mejor todav√≠a, era una vida con que yo sab√≠a que yo pod√≠a estar contenta y orgullosa. 

Y quiero estar orgullosa de todas las elecciones que he hecho cuando no hay m√°s elecciones para hacer. 

Esto dicho ‚Äď 

Las semanas pasadas en los Estados Unidos hab√≠an sido dif√≠ciles. 

Asuntos que no parecen controversiales recientemente han sido la causa de personas en peleas, de haz clic en botones de dejar de seguir y de quedarse en lados diferentes mientras organizaciones dicen que las soportan el movimiento ‚ÄúBlack Lives Matter‚ÄĚ. 

Personas del color est√°n luchando contra, y est√°n cansadas con, la idea de que sus elecciones no importan en este pa√≠s. 

Con m√°s enfoca en educaci√≥n y entendimiento de nuestros perjuicios en la comunidad de gente blanca, yo estaba pensando. 

Considero qu√© he aprendido desde que asist√≠a a la universidad por 2 a√Īos ‚Äď especialmente los desarrollos que ha venido de mis experiencias siendo en comunidad con personas de muchas diferentes vidas y opiniones. 

Mientras a veces siento que entiendo como vivir y qu√© necesito aprender, siempre hay momentos de incomodidad donde me di cuenta de que educaci√≥n no recolocar a las experiencias vividas de m√ļltiples otras personas. Siempre hay algo que no s√©. 

La cosa es que, me siento arrumbada cuando trato de ser perfecta todo el tiempo, y puedo fallar oportunidades de mejorarme. 

Obviamente, esto es contraproducente…

De verdad, me encanta la aprobaci√≥n y quiero que alguien me vea como buena, simp√°tica y confiable en todas las cosas que toco. Esto es mi defecto m√°s profundo. 

As√≠ que, cuando me di cuenta de que yo estaba equivocada, o que no yo sab√≠a algo antes, es facil√≠sima sentir como no quiero tratar. 

Pero, no podemos estar de esta mente. 

He luchado contra esta mentalidad desde mi primera experiencia de la universidad ‚Äď que, por su informaci√≥n, te demuestra tus grandes faltas.

Estas dos semanas he pensado, he llorado, he leído y mirado, he rezado y he pensado más. Decidí que, hasta este punto, no había hecho tanto, o había hablado cuando existía perjuicios. 

Yo hab√≠a sido avergonzada. 

Mi manera legalista y perfeccionista de percibir al mundo necesitaba terminar, y ahora vivo en un espacio donde necesito pelear contra la parte de mi mente que quiere orden m√°s que tener un plato sucio en el lavabo. 

Prefiero no ofender alguien que sacrificar su opini√≥n de mi. 

Prefiero presentarme como perfecta en vez de causar problemas. 

Pero tambi√©n he aprendido que el valor no es basado en la bondad percibida. O en mis logros que todav√≠a trato de conseguir. O en la cantidad que puedo dar. 

Aprendí que está bien si no este correcta la primera vez. Puedo ser equivocada. Puedo soportar algo, mientras antes tenía miedo. 

Necesitamos estar incomodos para asegurar el tratamiento igual de todos en la tierra de libertad.

Ahora, es el tiempo por el trabajo duro. 

Lo m√°s que yo s√© es que necesito ser incomoda por el resto de mi vida. 

Voy a luchar contra la parte di mi que quiere ser una participante pasiva en el mundo, y voy a escuchar a la parte de mi que quiere ser escuchada y que quiere tomar un parte m√°s grande en el trabajo de igualdad. 

Aprendiendo, luchando y mejorando a ti mismo no es c√≥modo: no es f√°cil y requiere piel duro que puede ser corregido. 

Una vez. Dos veces. Un mil veces m√°s. 

No s√© mucho, pero s√© qui√©n quiero ser. 

Y s√© que voy en la direcci√≥n correcta cuando siento incomoda, o cuando tengo miedo de cambios buenos en mi vida. 

¬ŅQu√© m√°s podemos hacer para soportar a la comunidad de personas de color en este momento, un momento tan importante en nuestra historia? 

¡Me encantaría hablar en los comentarios debajo o en mis redes sociales! Construyendo comunidad es una de mis partes favoritas de mi experiencia escribiendo este blog. ¡Quiero saberte!

Como siempre, gracias por leer. 

Con amor, 

Tori 

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